I'M KARKAT VANTAS, I AM SEVEN SWEEPS OLD AND I AM YOUR FUCKING GOD.

SINCE I CAN’T BE A THRESHECUTIONER ON THIS RETARDEDLY PEACEFUL PLANET, I WILL BE A MOVIE CRITIC.

EVERY FRIDAY AT 9PM PST (THAT’S SATURDAY 4AM GMT OR SATURDAY 2PM IN EAST AUSTRALIA, BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES) I WILL STREAM AN EARTH MOVIE AND INVITE EVERYONE BECAUSE I’M FUCKING MAGNANIMOUS LIKE THAT. I WILL ANALYSE THE MOVIE FOR YOU UNCULTURED SWINE AS WE WATCH, THEN POST A REVIEW ON THIS BLOG.

YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME.

(Played by Frowny!)
  • turntechslampoet
  • prince-of-hipster
  • optiicbla2t
  • moviecriticegbert
  • heir-of-strength
  • glub-glub-glub
  • sir-stridealot
  • oneluckymarquise
  • bl1nd-l34d1ng-th3-bl1nd
  • alterniearth
  • wheelsandbeats
moviecriticegbert: we are going to watch con air. and everybody should know that con air is the best movie of all time. i mean lots of different movies are really good. lots of different actors are really good! but con air is the magnum opal of human history! if you miss this, you will die regretting it. i’m wearing my dirty wife beater and i have casey and we have popcorn and karkat is totally excited even though he refuses to admit it and he just brained me with popcorn for asking if he was ready for cinematic gold. come watch at our movie theater! don’t miss out. grab your kids, grab your wife, because nic cage is saving everybody out there. OH GOD. HERE WE GO.

moviecriticegbert:

we are going to watch con air. and everybody should know that con air is the best movie of all time.

i mean lots of different movies are really good. lots of different actors are really good!

but con air is the magnum opal of human history!

if you miss this, you will die regretting it.

i’m wearing my dirty wife beater and i have casey and we have popcorn and karkat is totally excited even though he refuses to admit it and he just brained me with popcorn for asking if he was ready for cinematic gold.

come watch at our movie theater! don’t miss out. grab your kids, grab your wife, because nic cage is saving everybody out there.

OH GOD. HERE WE GO.

karkat is making popcorn.

moviecriticegbert:

help.

JOHN, YOU FUCKASS. STOP TRYING TO BLEMISH MY GOOD NAME AND RUIN MY UNBELIEVABLE CORN-POPPING CRED. YOU WISH YOU COULD MAKE MICROWAVE POPCORN AS WELL AS THESE FUCKING FANTASTIC HANDS CAN. I CAN SEE THE JEALOUSY SEEPING THROUGH YOUR WORDS ON MY SCREEN.

BESIDES, NO ONE CAN GO WRONG WITH TRIPLE BUTTER FLAVOUR EXPLOSION.

heir of nic cage movies.: hi everybody! about the movie stream tomorrow.

moviecriticegbert:

it looks like we’ll have to watch con air a little early, since karkat and i are going to a cool party for cool people because we are cool. so instead of the normal time, the movie will be two hours early instead of the usual time.

remember, fellow browatchers, two hours early!

this means that…

ALL LIES.

(EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT THE STREAM BEING TWO HOURS EARLY. THAT PART IS TRUE. DON’T YOU DARE MISS IT, YOU NUBSLURPING FUCKPODS.)

heir of nic cage movies.: stream is rescheduled for next week!

moviecriticegbert:

sorry guys, shenanigans happened and i was busy kicking ass and chewing bubble gum to make it!

i sung how do i live without you in my heart as my battle theme.

since missing con air which is the greatest movie in human history would be kind of like being stabbed a couple of extra times through…

WE’RE LATE.

I CAN’T GET A HOLD OF JOHN.

WHERE ARE YOU, FUCKASS? YOU’RE NEVER LATE FOR FUCKING CON AIR.

IN THE PREVIOUS MOVIE NIGHT WE WATCHED HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON. IT’S ABOUT SOME WHINY WEAKLING HUMAN NAMED HICCUP WHO CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT (WHO BEARS A STRONG RESEMBLANCE TO A CERTAIN BUCK-TOOTHED ASSHOLE, PERSONALITY-WISE). HE WANTS TO BE A VIKING WARRIOR WHO SLAYS DRAGONS BUT HE’S TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING LOSER FOR EVEN HIS ENORMOUS MALE HUMAN LUSUS TO SHOW HIM A TINY MICROSCOPIC TURD OF SUPPORT. ONE NIGHT HE LUCKS OUT AND SHOOTS DOWN A NIGHTFURY OUT OF THE FUCKING SKY. THE NIGHTFURY IS THE MOST FEROCIOUS AND BADASS OF ALL DRAGONS AND THAT PARTICULAR NIGHTFURY ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE COOLEST CHARACTER IN THE FILM. HICCUP IS SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM, BUT THE WUSS CAN’T DO IT WHICH I GUESS IS A GOOD THING IN THIS CASE. THE NIGHTFURY DOESN’T KILL HIM EITHER BECAUSE HE’S SO FUCKING BENEVOLENT. THE TWO END UP BECOMING FRIENDS IN SECRET, SOMETHING THAT IS COMPLETELY FORBIDDEN BY HICCUP’S DOUCHEY RACIST VILLAGE. HICCUP PATCHES UP THE INJURIES OF THE DRAGON (WHO THE LITTLE NITWIT NAMES ‘TOOTHLESS’), BUILDS HIM A HARNESS AND LEARNS TO RIDE HIM. SHUT THE FUCK UP JOHN I CAN HEAR YOUR RETARDED GIGGLING. AT THE SAME TIME, HICCUP HAS TO TRAIN TO BECOME A DRAGON KILLER, EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN’T WANT TO BY THIS POINT. THIS WAS A PRETTY DECENT EARTH FLICK. NOT ENOUGH ROMANCE, BUT STILL NOT BAD. SPEAKING OF ROMANCE, HICCUP<3ASTRID IS A SHITTY SHIP. THEY’RE BETTER AS MOIRAILS. JUST SAYING. AS FOR OTHER ROMANCES, RUFFNUT AND TUFFNUT HAVE AN ADMIRABLE KISMESISTUDE. SNOTLOUT IS BASICALLY ERIDAN. THERE WASN’T MUCH ROMANCE BESIDES THAT. MAYBE STOICK<>GOBBER. THAT’S ALL I’M GOING TO SAY ABOUT THAT TO AVOID SPOILING THE WHOLE DAMN MOVIE. I’M GIVING IT FOUR FUCKS OUT OF FIVE.

IN THE PREVIOUS MOVIE NIGHT WE WATCHED HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON.

IT’S ABOUT SOME WHINY WEAKLING HUMAN NAMED HICCUP WHO CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT (WHO BEARS A STRONG RESEMBLANCE TO A CERTAIN BUCK-TOOTHED ASSHOLE, PERSONALITY-WISE). HE WANTS TO BE A VIKING WARRIOR WHO SLAYS DRAGONS BUT HE’S TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING LOSER FOR EVEN HIS ENORMOUS MALE HUMAN LUSUS TO SHOW HIM A TINY MICROSCOPIC TURD OF SUPPORT.

ONE NIGHT HE LUCKS OUT AND SHOOTS DOWN A NIGHTFURY OUT OF THE FUCKING SKY. THE NIGHTFURY IS THE MOST FEROCIOUS AND BADASS OF ALL DRAGONS AND THAT PARTICULAR NIGHTFURY ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE COOLEST CHARACTER IN THE FILM. HICCUP IS SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM, BUT THE WUSS CAN’T DO IT WHICH I GUESS IS A GOOD THING IN THIS CASE. THE NIGHTFURY DOESN’T KILL HIM EITHER BECAUSE HE’S SO FUCKING BENEVOLENT.

THE TWO END UP BECOMING FRIENDS IN SECRET, SOMETHING THAT IS COMPLETELY FORBIDDEN BY HICCUP’S DOUCHEY RACIST VILLAGE. HICCUP PATCHES UP THE INJURIES OF THE DRAGON (WHO THE LITTLE NITWIT NAMES ‘TOOTHLESS’), BUILDS HIM A HARNESS AND LEARNS TO RIDE HIM. SHUT THE FUCK UP JOHN I CAN HEAR YOUR RETARDED GIGGLING. AT THE SAME TIME, HICCUP HAS TO TRAIN TO BECOME A DRAGON KILLER, EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN’T WANT TO BY THIS POINT.

THIS WAS A PRETTY DECENT EARTH FLICK. NOT ENOUGH ROMANCE, BUT STILL NOT BAD. SPEAKING OF ROMANCE, HICCUP<3ASTRID IS A SHITTY SHIP. THEY’RE BETTER AS MOIRAILS. JUST SAYING. AS FOR OTHER ROMANCES, RUFFNUT AND TUFFNUT HAVE AN ADMIRABLE KISMESISTUDE. SNOTLOUT IS BASICALLY ERIDAN. THERE WASN’T MUCH ROMANCE BESIDES THAT. MAYBE STOICK<>GOBBER.

THAT’S ALL I’M GOING TO SAY ABOUT THAT TO AVOID SPOILING THE WHOLE DAMN MOVIE. I’M GIVING IT FOUR FUCKS OUT OF FIVE.

ONE FINAL MOVIE NIGHT.

LISTEN UP, IDIOTS.

JOHN AND I ARE TOO BUSY WITH LEADER DUTIES AT THIS POINT IN TIME TO PUT ON ANY MORE MOVIE NIGHTS. IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE WE’RE GOING TO GET ANY LESS GODDAMN BUSY ANY TIME SOON. WE’RE HAVING ONE LAST MOVIE NIGHT THIS WEEKEND SO THAT YOU ASSHOLES WON’T WHINE TO US ABOUT LEAVING YOU WITH NOTHING.

AND BECAUSE JOHN PRACTICALLY BEGGED AND GROVELLED FOR IT, THIS ONE FINAL MOVIE WE WILL WATCH TOMORROW IS CON AIR.

STRAIN YOUR FESTERING THINKPANS AND READ CAREFULLY, THOUGH: TOMORROW’S MOVIE IS GOING TO BE TWO HOURS EARLIER THAN USUAL. THAT MEANS 7PM FRIDAY PST, OR 2AM SATURDAY GMT, OR 12PM SATURDAY IN QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA (BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT THEM). IF YOU SHOW UP AT THE USUAL TIME YOU WILL MISS THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE.

IF YOU WANT TO READ A DETAILED BORING EXPLANATION ABOUT WHY THIS IS THE VERY LAST MOVIE NIGHT, CLICK HERE.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

how to train your art post.

moviecriticegbert:

because there hasn’t been much art for the past two streams, here’s a combo post for both constantine and how to train your dragon!

by friendleadershenangians. because i am secretly johnstantine in another time line i get the really cool outfit except in my godtier colors like that yellow tie.

damn that’s a good tie.

equius get off my tie.

like seriously equius you already had nepeta’s towel for that through the entire move! rude.

this one is by thislousytshirt.

oh no i’ve lost who did this one! send me an ask for credit. but it’s me staring dramatically into karcat’s eyes hehehehe.

and now for the how to train your karkat! i mean how to train your dragon.

another one by friendleadershenanigans. like seriously karkat you have to stop biting me in weird places. you’re not a dragon and you’re going to make me prematurely bald.

noooooooo okay now this is just silly.

by friendleadershenanigans again.

i lost who did this one too! send me an ask so i can credit you, i don’t want to be a bad artfriendleader.

i guess karkat and terezi have dragon offs instead of rap offs hehehe.

I’M GLAD I WASN’T THERE TO WATCH CONSTANTINE AND GET SWEATED ALL OVER.

AND I MAKE A BETTER FUCKING DRAGON THAN YOU, TEREZI.

PLEASE DON'T EVER WATCH THE WICKERMAN IT IS POSSIBLY THE WORST FILM IN ALL OF CINEMA HISTORY MAINLY BECAUSE NIC CAGE DIES AND YOU COULD JUST WATCH THE END OF THE MOVIE AND YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT ANYWAY BECAUSE BASICALLY ITS AWFUL AND I CRIED.
Asked by undyingumbridge

NIC CAGE DIES?

GOOD RIDDANCE.

no movie tomorrow!

moviecriticegbert:

so there’s this prom tomorrow i guess.

though man i get a lot of prime promtime already hehe i am almost all prommed out!

and i guess that means people are going to be too busy butt touching and spiking virtual punch to watch a movie, so there won’t be a movie stream tomorrow.

go jam to, uh, ill beats and sick dance moves instead. :B

WHAT HE SAID.